I must’ve been around eight or nine years old when we were assigned an essay at school. I still remember the title: If My Room Could Talk… I remember how my imagination soared. But I also remember wondering if I’d gone a little overboard. Seeking reassurance, I showed it to my mom. She looked at it and said, “This isn’t good. I doubt your teacher will accept it.”
I shrugged it off, told her she didn’t understand, and walked away. I acted like her opinion didn’t matter to me. But the next day, when the teacher praised my essay so highly that she asked me to read it aloud to the entire class, I felt a quiet sense of triumph inside.
One of my clients shared this story with me. She came to therapy because she was exhausted—tired of feeling like “good” was never enough. She always expected the best from herself—and from others. A textbook perfectionist… and it was making her miserable.
Living With an Inner Critic
To be a perfectionist means to live with your harshest critic inside your own head. Always present. Always judging.
The perfectionist’s mind is dominated by internal commands like: “I have to do this,” “I must finish that,” or “I have to do it well.” These demands are self-imposed, but they often stem from a deeper, unconscious drive to meet others’ expectations. Behind many perfectionists is a constant need to prove their worth, not just to themselves, but to someone, somewhere, whose approval still matters.
People whose minds revolve around achievement often struggle to feel inherently valuable. Even when they complete a task, they’re rarely satisfied. Thoughts like “I didn’t try hard enough,” or “I could’ve done better,” haunt them. The goalpost always moves.
Perfectionism as a Source of Anxiety
When your self-worth is tied to your performance, it’s easy to feel like you’re always falling short. You’re never where you planned to be. You’re always behind.
Chronic dissatisfaction with your own performance and the endless self-punishment that comes with it—can quickly become a major source of anxiety.
The never-ending to-do lists and constant pressure to correct every flaw become the defining rhythm of your day. It’s as if someone is always standing behind you, monitoring your every move, ready to discipline you for even a moment of rest. This kind of performance-based anxiety can easily spiral into a vicious cycle: the more anxious you become, the worse you perform—and the worse you perform, the more anxious you get.
The Roots of Perfectionism
There’s no single cause of perfectionism.
But often, the roots lie in childhood. If your sense of self was wounded early on, you may grow up believing that you’re unlovable, or simply never enough. You set impossible standards for yourself, targets you can almost never reach. And that’s exactly the point. As long as you’re constantly striving to become a “better version” of yourself, you’re unconsciously reinforcing the painful belief:
“See? I really am not enough. My mother was right. I can’t do anything right.”
When we’re hurt as children, it’s hard to shake that pain in adulthood, even if we know, logically, that it wasn’t our fault.
You get stuck in schemas: patterns of thoughts, emotions, and beliefs about yourself and the world around you. When a schema is triggered, it floods you with negative emotions and can make you feel completely overwhelmed.
The term “schema” was first introduced by British psychologist Sir Frederic Charles Bartlett in his 1932 book Remembering. Building on this concept, contemporary American psychologist Jeffrey Young developed a system of nineteen so-called “early maladaptive schemas”—deep-rooted cognitive and emotional patterns that interfere with healthy functioning.
His Schema Therapy model was designed specifically for treating personality disorders, especially in cases where long-standing, rigid patterns required a deeper and more integrative approach.
Defectiveness / Shame Schema
This schema begins to form when, as a child, you’re made to feel that something about you isn’t quite right. Maybe it’s the way you asked for attention, the way you showed emotion, or simply the way you were. You might have been criticized, corrected too often, compared to others, or subtly made to feel that you didn’t measure up. Over time, this doesn’t just feel like occasional disapproval; it becomes part of how you see yourself.
Instead of thinking “I did something wrong,” you begin to believe, “There’s something wrong with me.” You carry that sense of defectiveness quietly, almost invisibly. You learn to hide certain parts of yourself. You become cautious with your emotions. You start watching others for cues: what’s acceptable, what’s too much, what needs to be kept out of sight.
By adulthood, this often shows up as a constant low-level shame. You might second-guess your decisions, downplay your needs, or feel uncomfortable being fully seen by others. Even when people like or love you, there’s a part of you that wonders if they’d still feel that way if they really knew you. Compliments don’t land. Kindness feels confusing. There’s always a little distance between you and the safety you’re hoping for.
Perfectionism as a Coping Strategy
Perfectionism often develops as a strategy to manage this. If you can just get everything right—say the right thing, do the right thing, perform well enough—then maybe the shame won’t catch up with you. You may not be aiming for perfection because you believe in excellence, but because you’re trying to avoid the feeling that you’re not enough. You work hard, not to shine, but to cover over what feels flawed.
But the pattern is exhausting. The better you perform, the more pressure you feel to keep it up. You don’t feel proud of your achievements; you feel relieved that you haven’t been found out. And underneath that relief is a fear that any misstep might expose you.
This schema doesn’t go away with success. In fact, success often makes it more complicated. The more people admire you, the more convinced you become that they’re only seeing a version of you that’s been carefully managed and controlled. The real you, you assume, is still hiding—still not good enough.
Narcissism and Perfectionism
Perfectionism and narcissism may seem like opposites at first glance but in reality, they often intertwine in psychologically complex ways. Let’s look at it from two angles: the perfectionist as the target of narcissistic abuse, and the perfectionist as the narcissist themself.
1.Perfectionism in Victims of Narcissistic Abuse
If you’re a perfectionist, you likely carry a deep-seated belief that love must be earned. That you’re only worthy when you’re achieving, giving, fixing, pleasing. This mindset makes you the perfect match for a narcissist—though not in a good way.
Narcissists are drawn to high-performing, self-critical individuals because they know how to play the game of conditional worth. They recognize your need for approval. They sense your tendency to self-blame. They see that you’re willing to push yourself harder, accept less, and give more just for a drop of validation.
In the early stages, the narcissist might admire your drive, your standards, your competence. But over time, that admiration curdles into control. They start to move the goalposts. What once earned praise is now barely acknowledged. You start working harder trying to prove yourself again, trying to be “enough” again. But no matter what you do, it’s never quite right.
Perfectionists in these dynamics often stay far too long, blaming themselves for the emotional chaos. “Maybe if I’d done better… maybe if I’d been more understanding…”
But perfectionists who fall into narcissistic relationships aren’t weak—they’re wired to overfunction. And narcissists exploit that wiring for as long as they can.
2. Perfectionism in Narcissistic Personalities
Not all perfectionists are victims. Some are narcissists themselves and their perfectionism isn’t about fear of failure, but about image, status, and dominance.
For the narcissistic perfectionist, everything must reflect their grandiose self-image: their appearance, their achievements, their relationships. Any imperfection is a threat not to their performance, but to their identity. They strive not for excellence, but for superiority.
These individuals often have rigid standards, both for themselves and for others. They can be highly critical, controlling, and emotionally distant, especially when others don’t meet their expectations. Underneath this perfectionism is a fragile ego that depends on external admiration. Their self-worth is a house of cards, built on accomplishments and accolades.
Interestingly, the root is often the same: early emotional wounds. Many narcissistic perfectionists were once children who felt invisible, ridiculed, or inadequate. Perfection became a shield. An armor. A performance that said, “If I can just be impressive enough, maybe I’ll finally matter.”