What’s the Real Difference Between Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

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Have you ever met someone who, at firstsight, left such a powerful impression on you that you couldn’t shakeit? Someone who simultaneously drew you in yet madeyou feel an odd sense of discomfort? Can you tell ifsomeone is narcissistic just from the first moment youmeet them? And what about when you walk intoa movie theater—how likely is it that a narcissistwill sit next to you? You may have heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), but did you knowit’s not the same as having a narcissistic personality? 

Let’s set the record straight—What exactly is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

NarcissPersonality Disorder is a clinical diagnosis, far beyond just being self-centered or arrogant, or any of the clichés that people associate with narcissism, like someone constantly talking about themselves or boasting about their successes. In reality, these behaviors only represent a small part of the broader, more destructive traits someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) carries. A person with NPD is characterized by grandiosity (whether in fantasy or behavior), a sense of entitlement, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy, but there are many other manifestations of this disorder.

The Diagnostic Criteria for NPD

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) lists nine criteria for diagnosing NPD, of which at least five must be present. These include exaggerating achievements, fantasizing about unlimited success, power, or ideal love, believing they are special and only other high-status individuals can truly understand them, expecting excessive admiration from others, demanding special treatment from their environment, using others for their own gain, failing to recognize others’ feelings and needs, feeling envious of others, or believing that others envy them, and displaying arrogant, haughty behaviors.

For a diagnosis to be made, these behavioral patterns must negatively affect the narcissist’s life. They must feel that these effects are damaging and distressing. These issues can occur in any area of life—whether in their job, personal life, or social relationships—and they may experience anxiety as a result. However, it’s worth noting that only a trained professional can diagnose NPD.

Hi, I’m Kris — a couples therapist and life coach who’s spent years helping people heal from narcissistic abuse. Over time, I’ve gathered the most effective tools that can truly support your recovery.

Red Flags at the First Meeting

Let’s start with that initial impression. When you first meet someone with narcissistic traits, the attraction is undeniable. It’s like a magnet—an irresistible force pulling you in. They can be charming, funny, and exude such a confident aura that it’s hard to resist. There’s something about them that’s almost unexplainable, a charisma that goes beyond everything else. You start to feel like you’ve been chosen, like you’re the lucky one to have caught the attention of the most special person you’ve ever met.

Now, imagine this in the context of a romantic relationship.

The narcissistic person doesn’t just charm you, they make you

feel valuable, special, like someone unique. For all the reasons that make them special, you must be the same. After all, they want you. Suddenly, you don’t feel like just another face in the crowd. You feel elevated above the average person. You feel important, like someone who’s finally understood.

But as the relationship progresses, the cracks begin to show. You realize the narcissist didn’t raise you up to make you feel valuable they did it to feel even more valuable themselves. They idealized you to reinforce their own sense of specialness. The truth is, this is someone who puts themselves first in every aspect of life. Everyone else is just a tool for them to use.

 

How Narcissistic Personality Disorder Affects You

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder often aren’t aware of how their behavior affects others. A narcissist may believe their behavior is justified, and as a result, they don’t care about the feelings of those around them. They often have no empathy for others. Relationships with them may feel like an endless series of power struggles, where the aim is to maintain their sense of superiority.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, this constant battle and the lack of empathy can wear you down. Over time, it can leave you feeling depleted, confused, and even cause you to lose your sense of identity. You may feel like you’re stuck in an endless cycle, trying to return to the good moments, the idealized version of the relationship, while reality continues to chip away at your self-esteem and takes a toll on your mental and even physical health.

What’s the Difference Between NPD and a Narcissistic Personality?

Now, I could quote William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet here: “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.” And what that means, if we expand the context a bit, is that it doesn’t matter whether we call this behavior Narcissistic Personality Disorder or narcissistic traits—the impact can be just as damaging.

Of course, that’s only from your perspective. Narcissism is not the same as narcissistic personality disorder. The meaning of narcissistic personality disorder, according to the official definition, is: “Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, and persisting and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress do they constitute narcissistic personality disorder” (APA, 2022).

 

How Narcissists Operate Behind the Mask

Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they blame others when things go wrong. Of course, narcissism is a spectrum, which means we have to imagine a scale. The higher up the scale a narcissist is, the less self-awareness and responsibility they have. That’s why narcissists often struggle with commitment in relationships—they can dominate others and exhibit controlling behavior. They feel entitled to special treatment, but they may not go as far as manipulating others to get it.

At work, a narcissistic individual may demand attention and recognition and feel deeply frustrated if they don’t receive it. Their desire to be seen as competent and successful can sometimes make it impossible for them to work as part of a team or collaborate with others. They believe they know everything better than everyone else, but they may also be unwilling to take responsibility. They won’t admit to their mistakes and will view any negative feedback as criticism rather than an opportunity for growth.

Because a narcissistic person often doesn’t see their own behavior as toxic, they believe there’s nothing wrong with them. As a result, they rarely seek help. They don’t think they need therapy because they don’t believe the problem is with them. Often, in a relationship, it’s the other partner who ends up going to therapy because the narcissist has either convinced them that they’re the one with the problem or they’re simply emotionally exhausted, depressed, and may not even recognize that the fault doesn’t lie with them.

Since narcissists rarely seek help, far fewer diagnoses are made than the number of people who exhibit narcissistic personality traits. This isn’t much different than calling someone a jerk—it’s a label, but it doesn’t always reflect the deeper issues they may be facing.

How Common Are Narcissistic Traits or NPD in Society?

Official statistics only include those who have been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder at some point in their lives. As I mentioned earlier, since these people rarely get diagnosed, the numbers tend to be quite low. Only about 1-2% of the population is diagnosed with NPD. However, the real number is likely much higher. Experts in the field of narcissism rely on cautious estimates, and those estimates show that 20-30% of people exhibit narcissistic traits.

What does this mean? Try to picture this: when you walk into a movie theater, the chances of sitting next to a narcissist are relatively high. If the theater has 100 seats, then according to current estimates, 20-30 of those people could be narcissistic. Of course, the distribution varies—population density and geographic location matter, and you’ll find a much higher concentration of narcissistic individuals in major cities compared to a small fishing village in Scotland.

I know these numbers may not sound too encouraging, but if you keep educating yourself on the topic, you’ll be better equipped to avoid the traps that narcissists set to reel in their next victim.